Category Archives: snark

Oh no you just didn’t!

Because I have shocking insomnia which is a wonderful side effect, one of many, of all the medication I am on, I spend a lot of time awake, trapped in my bed, one of the redeeming features of this existence is Netflix, I have caught up on so much good quality stuff, stuff I missed first time around.

 

The other thing I do at night is play games on my tablet, I have quite a number I play, hidden object games, puzzles, RPGs, match threes and a couple of slot games. I quite like the slot games, they’re pretty and flashy and I don’t have to think much about what I am doing. I don’t ever buy any chips, and just rely on all the bonus/extra ways to get chips when I’m low, which is hardly ever, because slot machines love me, I win enormous jackpots all the time, which makes me happy, because when I’m playing a slot with a million dollar lowest roll, my heart still goes in my mouth, even if it’s not real money there is still that frisson.

 

But enough of that, yada yada I play online slots, one of the slots I play has recently had a major overhaul, it’s gone all very hi tech and extra flash, it has clubs and competitions​ and other things to get you more involved, one of the new things they are meant to be bringing in is the ability to privately chat to other players, at the moment there is just two chat modes, whole table and club chat. Club chat is fine if you want to line up people to play in one of the competitions, whole table chat is mostly people just whinging about never winning, or if you’re playing a scatter slot, saying thanks for the shared wins.

 

It’s not private, it never has been, so there I was in the wee sma’s of the night, in a room with one other person, both of us minding our own business, playing our game, being polite and saying thanks for the infrequent shared wins ( it was being a 🐖 that night). When in bounced this couple, they’d obviously agreed to meet up to play, because he/she/they greeted each other affectionately and exchanged small talk, all fine, no biggy, I tend to ignore the message lines unless I’m saying thanks for a shared wins.

 
Next time I look at the text space she’s complaining that she’s​ had a real bad run of luck and is just about out of chips, the guy she’s playing with responds kinda like “I got plenty of chips, how desperate are ya” they go back and forth, I look at my own stuff ignoring them, then I get a pretty good win, with a good share and my original person says thanks, and I look up at the screen just in time to see Ms REALLY desperate go to town on Mr I got plenty of chips.

 
I’m not a prude, I’ve done things that I’m pretty damned glad my kids have never found out about, because NO ONE wants to have THAT conversation, do they daughters!  As far as rp sex went it was pretty average, not very descriptive and you would have to have been pretty horny.

 

But yes anyway my original partner just went !!! and left, I just typed “thanks for ruining my game” and left, then I reported both their gamer IDs because I’m petty like that, and because, dude, dudette, I don’t frickin care how horny you are, time and place dudes, TIME and PLACE!

 

 


A question of Questionable Content

I like reading web comics, I don’t read as many as I used to since quite a few of my faves have stopped updating or had to give up the comic for personal reasons, like Alien Vs Predator, Home on the Strange, Ornery Boy, Better Life  and a few more, some are still going strong like

Two Lumps,

Happy Sad

Sinfest

And I enjoy them all, Eben and Snooch are two of my favourite felines of all time, since I have a Snooch of my own, oddly enough his name is Bucky, named after another cat in another one of my favourite comics, Get Fuzzy, if Bucky had been a girl he probably would have been called Solange after another cat in another one of my favourite comics, 9 Chickweed Lane, I also enjoy reading Zits, Frazz , For Better Or For Worse and Zits, about everyone’s favourite teenager.

However my all time favourite web comic ever is Questionable Content.  Written by the amazing and talented Jeph Jacques, I have always enjoyed QC and I have enjoyed watching how Jeph (I hope he doesn’t mind me talking about him like I know him) has changed and improved as an artist over the years.

Comics are not like books, and I don’t just mean in content and form, I mean in how they let you interact and use your imagination, in a comic the author/artists pretty much knows what he/she wants his/her character to look like, more or less, over the course of a long running comic the skills might get better and the characterisations might improve, but the author/artist knows in his/her head HOW the character is supposed to look, and to a lesser extent act and behave, because that’s always open to change.

In a book usually the author gives you a broad outline or description of a character and you fill in the other bits from your imagination, one of my favourite series of all time is The Belgariad and The Malloreon, in that Belgarion is described as a tall, sandy haired young man, with a slightly serious expression, fairly broad, yes?

In my minds eye Belgarion looks exactly like a grown up Henry Thomas (from ET fame), Polgara who is supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world looks to me like Angelina Jolie, because to me, she is the most beautiful woman in the world, Belgarath will always be Ian McKellen, Durnik is Charley Boorman, Barak is a young Brian Blessed, mixed with John Rhys Davies, Silk is now and forever Steven Buscemi, I see Hettar as a young Johnny Depp.

This is why there is always so much angst when they cast a movie of a popular book, because inevitably the people they cast look NOTHING like the characters we have imagined in our minds, and some people cannot get over that.

As a side note, anyone who doesn’t think that Brain Blessed would make an AWESOME Arch-Chancellor Ridcully has rocks in their head.

But back to Questionable Content, one day last week Jeph posted this episode

of Questionable Content, and then received an email containing this which Jeph posted on his tumblr

I have read the post several times over several days and I still do NOT get what the writer of the email was on about, was Marigold drawn too fat, or not fat enough, or was the fact that she was drawn at all in a bikini a bad thing, one thing I have noticed is that in most comics, web and paper the range in body shapes is pretty minimal, whereas in QC we have a whole shit tonne (that’s an accurate scientific measurement right there) of different female body shapes.

The writer of the email, which I shall assume is a female, goes on to make several rather astounding statements and analogies, along with quite a few fat-shaming epithets of her own, making a mockery of her indignation, and then rounds it all off by saying she was being sarcastic, and then accused Jeph of insulting all women.

Sorry, I was not insulted in the slightest, in fact it was nice seeing a less than stick figure in a bikini that wasn’t endowed with a wasp waist and Pammy Anderson boobs, and looking like she might topple forward at any moment.

Marigold looked exactly how I thought she would look in a bikini, nothing more and nothing less, in fact I was more concerned how she would handle the 2nd hand embarrassment from Marten because he never knows how to do a compliment properly.

And there I go talking like Marigold is a real person, who would be worried about her squishyness, and her embarrassment at being in a bikini.

To get to the end of a very convoluted point, how Marigold looks is how Jeph draws her, how he sees her, not how other people think she should look, was Marigold too fat, or not fat enough, it doesn’t bloody matter, what matters is that she is Jeph’s creation and he’s the ONLY one who knows what she looks like.

You can imagine her any bloody way you like, thinner, fatter, with  green hair and freckles, but in the world of QC, that is what she looks like, in a t-shirt or in a bikini..

In closing, I hope you feel better soon Jeph and just know that thousands of us think you are amazing and that QC is bloody brilliant.

A Fan 😎

 

 

 

 


The Perils of Pauline…

Ahh the perils of being a freelance proof-reader and editor, I work from home, so I do not see clients face to face and a lot of my clients live in other states. So most of my contact consists of emails and phone calls or if there needs to be some one on one real time clarification I have a MSN account which is strictly business only, I only ever give that out to paying clients.

Last week I got an email from a reasonably well known local businessman I’ve never worked with him before, he needed a brochure/flyer proofread for basic grammar and spelling mistakes. This isn’t a problem, I do it all the time, it’s my bread and butter trade.

I was somewhat surprised that the place that he was getting the printing done at wasn’t offering the same service as part as the deal, but then I realised that he was probably getting the printing done at the ultra ultra ultra cheap printing place whose policy is ‘we print it as it comes’. So fixing errors beforehand is very good idea.

When his .doc arrived in my email box I had a look at it and I quickly realised that not only did it need basic grammar and spelling fixed, it needed a whole substantive edit done to it. So I contacted him and as politely as I could, managed to convey to him that basically his whole copy sucked, and sucked badly. But that for an extra $$ I could fix that for him as well.

He agreed and deposited the remaining amount into my account, and when that had cleared, away I went. Most of it was pretty much standard I knew what he was trying to sell, what he basically wanted to say and managed to get his mangled words into something comprehensible.

However there was one bit that I needed some definitive clarification on so I asked him to contact me either by phone so I could speak and edit at the same time, or on MSN so that I could type and edit at the same time.

He said MSN was fine, so I gave him my business MSN account and waited for him. I waited for around 15 minutes and was just about to give up when up popped on my BUSINESS account the screen name

HardC&*k4You.

Oh yes; it was MY client, I blinked and decided that best course of action would be to totally ignore it and just get on with deciphering exactly what it was that he wanted in this part of the brochure. I was switching from screen to screen, doing some editing then getting some more clarification, and each time I switched back to the MSN window his screen name would be changed to something else just as disturbing. At the same time he’d change the little ID picture, I saw an ever changing parade of penises (penii?), usually erect and all a little on the OMG scary size.

These are the screen names he used:

HardC&*k4You.

SuckMyHardC&*k

HardThrobbingMeatspear

And my very personal favourite;

Wet4MyHardC&*k.

In a word NO, it was a childish immature display and I can only hope that while he was talking to me on MSN that he was also talking to some one else, or else it just tips over in to the highly disturbing.

I finished up and said that I had all the information I needed and that I would send the finished job back to him via email in around two days he said that was fine and said “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you”. I’m in two minds about THAT one, I just replied as pleasantly as possible and as he signed off his last comment was “btw, that was my c&*k in those pictures”.

My dear client, you are a skinny mid 40ish Caucasian business man, I’ve seen your picture in the local rag a few times. None of those pictures you used was of your penis, unless your penis has a terrible terrible disease it is NOT black, nor does it look like it needs a support stand all of its own.

Next time, no matter how badly I need the money, someone else can have him.


T.V Shows I Just Did Not ‘GET’.

This is another post entirely devoid of anything at all to do with English or Grammar or anything else in between.

Over the years there have been quite a few ‘tv phenomenoms’ that I just haven’t been able to get just why people rave over them and watch them religiously, and even more so, get very rabid about them to the point of fan fic and slash.
My extensive list of tv shows that I just don’t ‘get’ goes like this.

1: Seinfeld This man is just not funny, and his bunch of whiny self obsessed friends were as about as funny as nails on a blackboard, that whole whiny sense of self entitlement just turned me off, totally

2: The Simpsons sure it was funny for the first two seasons, but after that, god help us, how much of this unfunny boorishness can people stand, year after year after year

3: Buffy The Vampire Slayer Never understood why people loved this show so much, if ever a show screamed volumes about the writers/producers ego, this show was it, it was trite, took itself far to seriously and wandered off into the realms of idiocy far too often

4: Everybody Loves Raymond NO THEY DON’T… I wanted to slap him upside the head, repeatedly, enough said

5: Firefly Good god, you’d have thought that this was the second coming of all that was holy and good, umm NO. And the fans, god save me from the fans who still can’t let go of this mediocre show.

6: The Office (UK version) No, just no, Ricky Gervais and his minimal range of facial tics that pass for acting made this show unwatchable. Gervais plays himself no matter what role it is, and that makes whatever he is in, unwatchable

7: All US remakes of brilliant UK comedy shows (the Office excluded) including, Coupling, Men Behaving Badly, Man About The House, All in the Family, George and Mildred etc etc etc.

8: The X Files Didn’t we suffer enough with this show lasting about three seasons longer than it should have, only now to be inflicted with a movie about it as well?.  Someone must have needed the money thats all I can say

9: Prisonbreak How many frickin times can one man go to prison and escape, three it seems, this is a case where the death penalty is needed
10: Heroes All I can say is… WHAT HAPPENED? one of the best fresh new ideas to come out of the bloated carcass that is hollywood since Lost, and you fucked it up. I am so over Heroes now, its time has been and gone, Lost is heading that way too.

11: Star Trek Come on people, it was at best a mediocre tv show when it came out, do we really need another movie about it. (though ST:IV The Voyage Home, is one of my fave movies of all time.. I mean it has WHALES!!)


Seven books (series) I will never read again.

I LOVE reading, love is perhaps not even a strong enough word to describe the pleasure that I get from reading, there was a time, when I could devour 15-20 books a week. My local library relaxed the borrowing limit for me from 10 books at time to however many I could find. I’d read the books I’d got out and then go on to read the books that my Mum had checked out as well.

So of course that meant that I came into contact with all sorts of genres, my Mum loved crime novels, so I read Agatha Christie, Ngaio Marsh, Ellery Queen, Ed McBain,  and hundreds of brilliant crime writers. Then I moved onto autobiographies, David Niven’s witty and brilliant The Moon’s a Balloon” was the first one I read, followed by Errol Flynn’s “My Wicked Wicked Ways”.

I read all of Gerald Durrell’s amazing books about his family and the zoos and catching animals for them, and then on to the wonderful “My Friend” books by Jane Duncan and also the ones under her pen name of Janet Sandison, the lovely “Jean In…” books.

I read just about everything I could get my hands on, and then, then I found Fantasy and SF books and knew that I had found my home. These books were the ones for me.

I devoured all the books I could get my hands on, I read authors from A-Z and back again, some books I read over and over again, some books I hold in the highest esteem, along with the Authors, and then there were the books that I read once and that was more than enough.

Of course what books each of us likes is a very subjective thing, I know of quite a few people who think that Tolkien is rubbish (heresy, pure and simple) and more than a few who think that Stephanie Myers and the Twilight series are the epitome of excellent writing (poor deluded fools).

So my list of books that I read once and will never EVER read again might possibly contain some of your most loved books of all time, by your favourite author in the world, you are welcome to your opinion, as I am mine.

Books I WILL never read again!

The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant: Stephen Donaldson. These books were all the rage when I was in college, everyone was reading them, I read them all and for the first time was filled with an overwhelming urge to STRANGLE the lead character. He DIDN’T STOP WHINGING for the whole six books, I wanted Lord Foul to win, to crush, kill maim and destroy TC. QUICKLY.

The Wheel of Time: Robert Jordan. Yes I know the man is dead and I know there are millions of people who were pissed that he died before he finished. Amongst the logorrhoea that bloats the corpse of the WoT series there is a brilliant story, it just needed a damn good editor to cut out all those pages and pages of NOTHING happening.

The Sword of Shannara: Terry Brooks. Little people going on a search for a magic item, with a cranky old Wizard along for the ride. HELLO, blatant rip off LOTR. I read the first four Shannara books, never again. I am told that the later books actually have an original story line, but I am permanently scarred by reading the first ones.

Pandora by Holly Hollander: Gene Wolfe. Gene Wolfe is usually an acquired taste like Brian Aldiss, but I do like some of his stuff, however this book is forever ruined for me. The first 120 odd pages are brilliant, it’s a great storyline, and then on page 121 Wolfe must have realised he only had half a page left in which to finish the story and he wrapped up the entire book in ONE paragraph, a deus ex machina of the like I had never seen before or since.

The Chronicles of the Age of Darkness: Hugh Cook. A 10 novel extravaganza that was supposed to be upwards of 60 books, trust me 10 was about 7 too many, predictable, plodding and pointless, like WoT a good kernel of an idea, ruined by excess verbiage.

Mirror of Her Dreams: Stephen Donaldson. You think I would have learnt my lesson with TCTC, but no, I gave him a second chance, and this book has the distinction of being the ONLY book I have ever thrown at a wall.

The Xanth Books: Piers Anthony.  Every ones favourite purveyor of smutty double entendre book titles, I was actually shocked to read that Anthony was STILL writing these tacky tacky books. I have all the books up til The Colour of Her Panties and then it really hit me just how bad the quality had become and I stopped buying them. Anthony has written some very good books, I love his Incarnations of Immortality books, which had a very interesting underlying idea.

So what are some books that you have read and will never read again, for whatever reason?


Where you put your hyphen counts.

Consider this sentence.

“A black-wife beater”

“A black wife-beater”

Your misplaced hyphen has just created two very entirely different meanings.

The first one would make you raise your eyebrows

The second one just makes you question the persons fashion sense.


It’s just a . to the right and then another . and another . !

I fear I have an unholy fascination with ellipses, I find myself ending perfectly good sentences… .

Where there is NO need for an ellipsis of any kind, I am not leaving any words out, I am not indicating anything else, but for some reason I seem compelled to get dot happy and add two or three, and sometimes even more….

“I see what U did thar”

It is a bad habit and I am trying to wean myself off it, unfortunately I am not helped at the moment by the work that I am proofreading, I wrote before about the writer who had an unholy fascination with all things exclamation point! well this author seems to have my love for ellipses in spades.

Not only content to have… in the middle of a sentence that doesn’t even make grammatical sense, the beloved author tends to have them… and then starts up again for a few words before… some more and then ends with an awkward… .

Ellipses used for good are wondrous things, you can cut out extraneous words, you can indicate that someone is thinking, pondering, you can also use them to end a sentence in a manner that implies that “more” will be happening later on.

If I was thinking that too! many! exclamation! marks are! a bad! bad! thing!!, then I am almost positive that… too many… are an even… worse thing!

It’s like William Shatner as Captain Kirk not only! talking! like! this!, but adding in pauses while he…! mentally!… leaves out! a… word!…

… .