Tag Archives: humour

I bet you thought I was dead!

In my wanders through the many pages of the Internets, I came across several things that really boggled my mind, now I like to consider myself reasonably well read and that I have a pretty good grasp on the English language, and only want to throttle it occasionally.

I do understand that for some people English is a bit hard to grasp hold of and that it is filled with words that look alike, but have vastly different meanings, for the average person I can understand making a mistake, but when I come across certain words on a professional business site, as well as within the confines of a published authoritative piece, I start to wonder.

The three words that have garnered my attention for the most amazing misuse within recent  memory are COMMENSURATE, COMMISERATE and COMMEMORATE.

Commensurate means:

  1. having the same measure; of equal extent or duration.
  2. corresponding in amount, magnitude, or degree: Your paycheck should be commensurate with the amount of time worked.
  3. proportionate; adequate.
  4. having a common measure; commensurable.

Commiserate means:

  1. to feel or express sorrow or sympathy for; empathize with; pity.

Commemorate means:

  1. to serve as a memorial or reminder of
  2. to honor the memory of by some observance
  3. to make honorable mention of.

So when I saw a business offering a sale for the ANZAC day long weekend holiday with the banner:-

“To commiserate the ANZAC long weekend, all items 20% off”.
I nearly fell out of my chair, that word, it does not mean what you think it means.

I started to wonder if this was just an isolated incident, but Google got me many hundreds if not thousands of cases where people have used these three words interchangeably, I saw lots of questions posed along the lines of :

“Is your pay commemorate with your experience?”

and even:

We gathered to commensurate the occasion with a few drinks and a song or two

If anyone feels like commiserating with me over the commensurate angst I felt upon reading all those  errors, then we could commemorate the occasion with a wild HUZZAH or two.


I have a confession to make…

For a semi-straight female of a certain age, I have an inordinate amount of crushes on gay men, I was looking at my twitter list of people I follow and, oh dear, quite a few gay men on there. Take for example Stephen Fry, I just ADORE that man, I follow him on livejournal, read his blog, follow him on twitter and watch anything that he is in.

It’s quite embarassing really, and then we have Alan Davies, extraordinary actor and possessor of hair I want to run my fingers through, I follow him on twitter and watch everything he is in. I am in a lather of excitement that we’re finally going to see QI on television over here, so I can indulge in seeing BOTH Stephen AND Alan at the same time, sharing a t.v screen.

What more could a girl ask for,  well, ok MY best wish would be to have ALL my crushes, (and they aren’t ALL gay, just a large proportion are) on the t.v together, that would be awesome. Can you imagine the extraordinary amount of floppy hair that would be extant if they all got together.

My list of crushes consists of

  1. Stephen Fry
  2. Alan Davies
  3. James May
  4. Neil Gaiman
  5. Gabriel Byrne
  6. Tim Roth
  7. Neil Patrick Harris
  8. Hugh Grant
  9. Jamie Hyneman
  10. David Tennan
  11. Richard E. Grant
  12. Rupert Everett

My estrogen levels would explode and so would the t.v as there would be no t.v studio that could contain the sheer amount of amazingness and total YUMMM involved, the squee factor would be outstanding and I think I would die from sheer happiness.

Have I irrevocably damaged my reputation now?

One Man’s treasure is another Mum’s trash.

When I was a kid my father used to go to auctions and buy all sorts of crap, Mum would never know what he was going to come home with; boxes of old assorted kitchen gadgets, cutlery, old books it was usually all junk.

But he did have his moments. One time he came home with a box of old cups and saucers, and for once they were absolutely gorgeous, I fell in love with every single one; for they were delicate and tiny and so so fragile, I had my favourite cup and saucer, and I would use it on special occasions.

Another sterling purchase that my father made was an old old adding machine, it was amazing, there was something arcane about it, how it worked, because it wasn’t just like adding 2+2 together, you had to press a series of levers, there was a method, and I learnt how to do it, it was big and heavy and so full of wonder, I loved it.

The other purchase that I remember very vividly was a set and blow wave hair styler, now this wasn’t any normal hairdryer, it came in a pink suitcase with curlers, and a bright pink hair cap that you put over your head after you’d finished styling it. The cap had a hole where the nozzle from the tube fitted in, and the other end plugged into the case, you plugged it in and turned it on, and it was like having your own salon hair dryer at home. This one also had a nail polish dryer, a vent you could slide open and dry your nails over.

I loved this machine, I would help my mum style and set her hair, and then get the dryer out and carefully slip the cap over her head, and turn it on, and she would sit there for thirty to forty minutes, reading a book, smoking many cigarettes and drinking at least three cups of coffee. We would talk, and after she had finished I would be allowed to put the cap on and turn it on low, for some reason I just loved the feel of the warm air on my ears, and the noise it made.

A few other things come to mind, an old heavy duty mincing machine that screwed onto the table, an 1872 copy of Lambs Tales of Shakespeare, with the most amazing illustrations, which I still have, an original copy of Hoyles book of games, which my Sister and I played many many games out of.

Most of what he brought home was utter crap, and Mum used to dread the Saturdays when the auctions were on, like the time he came home with an old locked suitcase. He paid fifty cents for it, on the off chance that there was something valuable in it.

There was something in it alright, the mummified body of a long departed feline. Mum made dad burn the suitcase; he was all for keeping it and using it-the suitcase that is, not the cat, and Mum said over her dead body.

I think the final straw was when dad went one day and came home with a fairly decrepit Morris Minor that he was ‘going to do up’ and that it was ‘such a bargain at only $20’. Yes, there was a reason it was only $20, it didn’t go, was held together with rust and hope and sheer bloody mindedness.

It sat in the carport for months and months until dad managed to con a friend into buying it off him for parts.

And wardrobes, yes, yes of course, that’s where our wardrobes came from. My big old white one which was huge and perfect for hiding in, and had drawers and a mirror and a secret compartment where i hid my diary and important stuff. I remember when dad and Mr Waldie brought them home tied one on top of the other on the roof of the car.

Mum nearly had conniptions, they were so big they almost didn’t fit through the front door and dad was all for ripping the door off the hinges. Then there was the sliding doors, Mum did have conniptions then, dad came home with a set of double sliding doors and had this brilliant idea of knocking a hole in the wall between the lounge-room and the kitchen and installing them.

Mum said over her dead body, but then we went away on our annual trip up to stay with my Aunt and when we came back dad had already knocked the hole in the wall and put up the supporting beams.

I think if Mum could have killed him then she would have, he finished the beams and hung the sliding doors, and they lasted for no more than two or three months and then he ripped them down again, said they were a nuisance.

So then he ripped out the normal kitchen door and replaced that with one of the sliding doors, he did this while Mum was down at Nanny’s one Sunday, Mum was ropeable.

Then he decided, also one day when Mum was down at Nanny’s that we didn’t need the door from the lounge-room into the kitchen, so he took that down and built a very dodgy bookcase into the top half and blocked off the rest.

Mum didn’t dare go out for a months after that, just in case he decided to renovate the kitchen or something.

It’s just a . to the right and then another . and another . !

I fear I have an unholy fascination with ellipses, I find myself ending perfectly good sentences… .

Where there is NO need for an ellipsis of any kind, I am not leaving any words out, I am not indicating anything else, but for some reason I seem compelled to get dot happy and add two or three, and sometimes even more….

“I see what U did thar”

It is a bad habit and I am trying to wean myself off it, unfortunately I am not helped at the moment by the work that I am proofreading, I wrote before about the writer who had an unholy fascination with all things exclamation point! well this author seems to have my love for ellipses in spades.

Not only content to have… in the middle of a sentence that doesn’t even make grammatical sense, the beloved author tends to have them… and then starts up again for a few words before… some more and then ends with an awkward… .

Ellipses used for good are wondrous things, you can cut out extraneous words, you can indicate that someone is thinking, pondering, you can also use them to end a sentence in a manner that implies that “more” will be happening later on.

If I was thinking that too! many! exclamation! marks are! a bad! bad! thing!!, then I am almost positive that… too many… are an even… worse thing!

It’s like William Shatner as Captain Kirk not only! talking! like! this!, but adding in pauses while he…! mentally!… leaves out! a… word!…

… .

STOP! Grammar Time

I found this in my collection of funny things, I have a feeling that it came from an old LiveJournalpost I saved. I don’t know the original authors.

And now, a word from MC Grammar.

“Can’t read dis.”
Daaaa na na na… naaaaaa na.
“Can’t read dis.”
Daaaa na na na… naaaaaa na.
“Can’t read dis.”
Daaaa na na na… naaaaaa na.
“Can’t read dis.”
Daaaa na na na… naaaaaa na.
The spelling’s butchered so hard
makes me say, “Oh my lord!
What is this garbage here?
Wanna cover my eyes, burst into tears.”
I can’t…ignore this stuff.
My inner grammar-nazi makes it too rough.
Capital “I”s are somethin’ we need,
and that’s the reason why (uh!) I can’t read.

This just tickled my inner grammar nazi and made me laugh so much.

Oh Google, you never fail to deliver.

One of the nifty things that WordPress has is a pretty impressive stat counter, it keeps track of visitors, trackbacks, pings etc, it also keeps track of the terms used in search engines that lead to your blog, I just love mine.

what does the word pervert mean?
whole lists of homographs
exclamation mark deranged mind

I love the top one and the last one; so very very apt.

If only they knew.

My pet peeves

No, I do not have a cat called Peeves, (my three feline Masters are Callista, Nyx and Bucky) though it’s a very cool name and would be an awesome pun, ‘this is my pet Peeves’. Ahem, excuse me sometimes I just can’t help myself.

This time I mean my pet grammar peeves, of which I have more than a few, okay, several hundred if you want to get picky about it.

I think the one that really gets my goat, and one which I have been guilty of a few times is the misuse of THERE, THEIR and THEY’RE, along with YOUR and YOU’RE.

Next on my list is LOSE and LOOSE, and then we have IT’S which is a contraction (and you all know how much I love me a good contraction) of IT IS and ITS which means ‘belonging to’.

Then we come to TO, TOO and TWO, simple little ones, but misusing these can really change the whole meaning of your sentence. THEN and THAN, then is an action word THEN something happened, THEN she went to the store, THEN she saw the blue Man.  THAN is a comparative word, you are comparing something with something else, i.e  ‘it was colder THAN the Moon, it was hotter THAN hell’.

Another one I see people misusing all the time is AFFECT and EFFECT, to AFFECT something is to change it in some way,  EFFECT is the indirect result of that change, like if you gave someone your nasty cold, you have AFFECTed them, (as well as INfected them) and the EFFECT would be that they now have to take several days off work. Oh and plus they REALLY hate you now for passing on your nasty arsed cold.